I’m with one of the biggest jerks in history and I don’t know why I still stay.
I’m now actually disappointed because no one uses Multiply anymore. I mean, yeah they still post stuff but still. I’ve nothing more to read, nothing more to think about and comment on. It’s sad that people turn to Facebook, thereby losing the ability to articulate feelings.
(There is another side to the story, because creating one-liners is not easy)
I wish blogging’s hot again.
It’s hard to get past the “Ok lang, ikaw?” stage of a virtual conversation after you’ve stopped talking and then start talking again after more than 4 years. I don’t like getting into kamusta-eto-ok-lang-anong-bago-sa-yo-wala-naman convos that end with sige-baka-magalit-bf-mo-kachat-mo-ata-ingat. Totally defeats the purpose of communicating.
It’s something someone wrote for me. I’m pretty sure it’s me. Sell-out title. Boo.
i’m still w0ndering. What happened? I kn0w luma na ‘to, pero i’m still left blank. All i remember was that i had alot of wires stuck oN My head. People surr0unding me like theyve seEn sum1 wakin up fr0m dEath. Nsa makati med nako nit0. Rec0rds of 5mins na walang pulse rate, EEG resulting Hypertensive Brain Seizure, b0dy temp of 40-42 b4 admissi0n?..haha,funNy,yup naBuhay parin ako. Pero riGht after that an0 na? Bakit nga ba ako napunta dun? Totoo kaya ang sabi nila na ive lost a little Of my mem0ry? Anu yun magic? Ef that. This aint MMK. Old letters nalang ang nkita ko, 1 wh0le Fila sh0e b0x, in my r0om. 80% of it c0ming fr0m y0u. One day, f0r sure, i’ll be hitting my head real bad. Para naman maalala ko at masabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi yun joke. At kung nababasa mo ngayon to, i w0uld love to hear from you. I kn0w and y0u kn0w. (=
I decided to peruse that entry by James once again.
I feel old whenever I think about our relationship. I was too idealistic back then, and I never thought I’d fall out of love for him. I was a child! So was he. And now I know not everything’s forgiven and forgotten.
Closure. It’s something I have never really perfected. When I need to end things, I just pack up and leave. Which is not right, right? One should leave an explanation behind, so the other can pack up and leave too, without hang ups.
This is my fault.
James has become what he is now because of what I did. Maybe I was just too chicken to come back and tell him that it’s over. I left him hanging, and in turn, Raymund left me stuck in mid-air.
KARMA KARMA KARMA CHAMELEON.
There are about 5000 things I’d like to say but I can’t. Not that I don’t think they’re right. I think they ARE right, just not right for the occasion.
I’m not sure if talking to him is the right thing to do. I mean, we’ve been talking, and talking again. We’ve been opening and closing this “thing” we have. This is case is closed, as far as I am concerned. And I am happy now.
And I am in love with someone I’ve been with for almost 10 months now. I’m happy. We are getting stronger, and we’re growing closer. I’m reveling in the feeling. He is the only person I ever sincerely planned a future with.
I want him in my present and my future, like I had no past, because my life started when he came along.
I’m at the edge of keeping other people out again.
Sooner or later I’ll be left alone, probably happier that way. This storm will rage on and on, and I’m losing faith.
Okay, cut the crap. This isn’t my Multiply page.
I want him to stay away, because I can’t forgive him for what he’s done.
I don’t know what to feel.
I can’t stop him from doing things he wants to do. And even if I disapprove, he’ll still do it. I know, because we’re made of the same stuff. He’ll do it again, “just for kicks”.
Was he even thinking about what I’d feel?
He’s so unfair.
Life’s so unfair. I can’t believe how hurtful this relationship can get.
I suddenly want out.
Love drives me to the edge of sanity. I didn’t want to feel awkward. I didn’t want to feel like I’m losing control, but I did. So I pushed down a shot of tequila, and now it’s worse. It’s not pain, it’s irritation, only aggravated by the fact that I’m so far away.
And he’s there with her.
I know she’s stupid. But he could get stupid too. Her stupidity is contagious.
Why am I feeling this way? Is this jealousy? I guess this is it.
SO THIS IS HOW JEALOUSY FEELS. Like my gut is being turned over and over.
And I can’t help it.
If he cheats on me, or does something behind my back, I’ll know. I’ll know for sure.
I’m just so glad he did.
Last Saturday he finally met my father. Oh yes, the sperm cell donor to whom I am eternally half-indebted to (the other half of the eternal debt goes to my mother, the egg cell donor).
Daddy was silent as usual, and he was uncomfortable. I’m glad Daddy and the boys left the house for a few hours so we could get some ‘alone time’. It’s been too long since I’ve seen him. I can’t believe how much I can miss someone, that I am capable of missing someone that much. It sorta makes me feel like I’ve been losing a thumb, or a limb, or a lip, and I got them back when I saw him.
I guess Daddy’s silence means okay. I mean, if he drove him out of the house, that’d be bad, right? So his being quiet is fine. Although very awkward.
CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE!
I can’t believe it too. I feel like a kid again, jumpy and giddy, and very, very eager to hang her socks up.
I have to do some shopping.
30 minutes. Half an hour. That’s 1/12 of my day that I’m not getting back because I spent it on something futile, something that should’ve been over and done for years.
I spent it on you.
What else could I expect?
